Abuse Counselling? What and When to Tell

Counselling is supposed to be a private and confidential exercise with an independent and objective person. The vast majority of counsellors know that and respect it utterly. But for the person being counselled, that’s difficult to keep in mind. Yet, for us, is that all it is? I don’t think so.

As we contemplate the counselling session, and maybe the first one at that, we can be in torment inside. We try telling ourselves that our turmoil is all about our fear of what the counsellor might think of us when they hear it all. Will they believe us?

I believe two truths need to be exposed here.

The first is we need to ask whether we ourselves, not the counsellor, are ready to hear what we have to tell. Having maintained the secrecy so long, haven’t we been protected and insulated from our own memories. Don’t we sense a real inner reluctance and reticence about exhaling the emotional stench that has been buried deep inside us? Strong words, intentionally, but isn’t that how we can sense it? Also the worse the buried memories and the longer they have been hidden, don’t those words need to be stronger? Aren’t our answers: Yes. Yes and Yes?

Should this stop us in our counselling tracts? Good Gracious! No! We just need to admit that this is much more about admitting all this aloud to ourselves than about telling others.

Doesn’t this evoke awareness of a second truth?

Will I collapse emotionally in the face of all this? We can feel the emergence of fear from our sub-conscious. Somehow over all the years, we have managed to keep a semblance of emotional self-control. The fiercest feelings deep within us have been suppressed to enable us to try to live ordinary, if strained lives.

So, as we face this potential out-pouring, we are anxious, even in a sudden panic. If we let all this out now, exhale it, disgorge it, will we lose emotional control. Will it mean we can’t work; that we can’t face our family or our friends? The answer to that is that there may be some unpredictable and unaccountable moments when we lose it emotionally. But if we ask ourselves what is worse: that or continuing to burden ourselves with hideous secrets inside, what must be our response? It has to be OK to lose it occasionally.

And one final point: the abuse from which we suffered can indeed have been criminal in its nature at the time. But do remember the cause of the problem can have been entirely unintended by those we see as responsible, nevertheless. Key here is how we framed in our minds at the time what happened and what it has caused since.

And a tip: if initially the thought of trying to vocalise it all to the counsellor is going to be just too much for you, then try writing out your whole story and giving to the counsellor before the counselling starts. This will help them and will have a cathartic impact on you too.

Good luck and do take on board that the emotional gain and release from the process is worth 100 times the pain of getting started.

Sir Gerry Neale